For Sale - the jargon of car adverts

A short guide to the classifieds. I've tried not to take any cheap shots. Unfortunately, I've failed.

Phrase Meaning
High mileage Intergalactic mileage
Average mileage for year Intergalactic mileage
High motorway miles I lost my heart to a starship trooper
Mileage believed genuine Flashing lights in hyper-space
Average mileage High mileage
Low mileage Clocked
Some service history Apart from the bit where it was used in a ram-raid, poorly repaired, then clocked
Starts well It's stopping the damn thing that's the problem
99% solid The 1% is what's known in welding terms as the seams
Good interior Rusting
Good runner Rusting badly
Drives well That rust is getting worse
Recent respray Do you think we hid all the rust?
Original condition Rusting very badly
Needs paintwork It really is rusting quite a lot now
Fair condition Now it's rusting inside as well
MOT just expired Rotten
Little work for MOT Rotten as an old pear
Needs bodywork Needs new shell
For restoration For spares
Enthusiast maintained Bodged
Never been welded Always used filler
Lots of history Lots of trouble
Lots of bills Lots of expensive trouble

All the above, though, is just a part of the game. It's the adverts with 'She's a magnificent gentleman's carriage, sure to appeal to the connoisseur, and performed well on test' brigade who really annoy me. Come the glorious day I'll be happy to run them over once or twice with a few motors from their selection of tarted-up tat. The queue starts here ...