US Road Trip Epilog: 5th August 2005

With no internet access, finding a motel means going back to the books - the directories of all their locations that the big chains give you. Waycross, 150 miles down Highway 23, looks like it'll offer plenty of choices so I think that'll be the destination for today.

On the way down Highway 23 (which joins up with Highway 1) becomes designated the 'Georgia High Tech Corridor'. If that conjures-up images of biotech and computer companies dotting the roadside, you'd be wrong. In fact it's mostly more grass and trees. And golf cart manufacturers. Did you know that 75% of the world's golf carts come from Georgia? Do you feel better-educated for knowing that?

Pint-sized choppers and ATV's for sale in Waycross.
Pint-sized choppers (there's a joke in that somewhere, but I'm not going to bother) and ATV's for sale in Waycross.

I must admit I can't really see the point of those bikes above. Where are you going to go cruising when you're a pre-teen? Maybe you could just stick it on a stand in the garage and then play-act the dysfunctional family at Orange County Choppers, as seen on TV? Doesn't sound like a lot of fun to me, but then when I was a pre-teen everything was in black and white so playing may have changed a bit in the meantime.

Talking of TV, I've got an idea I've been thinking about for a while. As nothing much else happened today, I think I'll give it an airing ...

There are a few options open for screwed-up people to get on TV. Oprah or Springer are the obvious choices, but you could also choose to build fabulously stupid motorbikes for fabulously stupid people (or companies). Most, however, will volunteer to enter the hell-hole known as Reality TV, where they get a chance to meet their peers.

'Reality TV' has, of course as much to do with reality as my contribution to the space shuttle programme (though personally I would've used Super Glue and not Bostik on those outside bits). In a more honest world Reality TV would be called 'Absolutely Artificial TV Where Cretins Interact In A Confined Space'. My personal misgivings notwithstanding, the format is very successful all over the world and has made fortunes for the originators. And there are scores of people who want to be on it.

Which is where my brilliant money-making idea comes in. With zoos all over the world under pressure from animal rights groups I think they should just let all the animals go back to their native habitat or, if they haven't got one or no-one can be bothered to find it, just let them loose to entertain the local wildlife a bit. Actually, that could be a great TV programme in its own right.

But the great idea is this. Use the now-empty zoos to imprison groups of - volunteer, of course - celebrity-seeking morons and then invite the public to go in and see them. Imagine the tiger enclosure now inhabited by brain-dead media studies students, or the penguin pool with every wannabe celebrity with no talent or character that you've ever met. Hell, I'd pay to go in and see it. Especially if you get a chance to tease and taunt them before deciding who gets evicted (or fed to the, by now very hungry, lions that are circulating the zoo). Many zoos are in city centres, so it could make a nice change from just sitting in the park during your lunch hour.

A few webcams and a keen local cable TV station or two and we're talking serious money. After watching the desperate antics of the inmates all week on computer or TV you can then take the kids down there at the weekend to torment the inmates personally. Tell Junior to explain to one of them that if he catches this fish in his mouth then backflips into the pool he'll get a staying-in vote this week, then watch him jump. What a fun day out for all the family!

No, I have no scruples. But you have to admit that it's got real potential. And, just in case you were wondering, it's trademarked, registered, copyrighted and patent pending. I may be lying about that last bit, but if you steal it and make a fortune then I'll track you down and introduce you to my new best friends the hungry lions.

US Road Trip Epilog: 6th August 2005 >